Parent Reflections by Julia Toone

Ben, my youngest child, turned 10 this month. It’s hard for
me to believe that it’s been a decade since I’ve had a baby! It’s seems like
only yesterday that my little “Ben Bun” was cradled in my arms, totally
dependent on me for everything.

Time provides space for reflection. I look back on those
early days of parenthood and often yearn to do it over again. If I could,
here’s what I’d do differently:

Let ‘em get in our bed more often. I brought
my babies to bed in the night for nursing and often allowed them to sleep with
us when they were sick or had a bad dream. But I was pretty firm that once
they’d finished eating, their health restored or their fears eased, it was back
to their own beds. I know the shared family bed is controversial--- for good
reasons associated with safety, marital bliss and children’s ability to learn
early (and easily) to sleep on their own. But just recently I realized that it
had been a long time since either child had asked to get in bed with us in the
night or even gotten in bed with us for weekend morning snuggle times. And I
miss it. I wish I’d known then that the day would come when I would long for
that extra body in our bed.

I wish I'd laughed more with them.
We have a family video of Ben, Noah and me
eating lunch. Ben is just a toddler, still in his high chair and Noah is no
older than 3. They did something silly that made me laugh to the point of
tears. It makes me laugh to watch it! I’d like to believe that there were many
of these occasions, but I’m doubtful. I know that I spent a lot of time in serious
concentration on functioning---caring for them, feeding them, keeping them
safe, etc. I’m making up for my serious parenting years by being a very silly
(and often embarrassing) parent of tweens!

Stayed home from work longer.
We’ve been very fortunate as working parents. My job
has always been flexible and allowed lots of time for family needs. Our
children have always been cared for by loving and wonderful caregivers. Even
so, I wish I’d taken at least 6 months after their births before heading back
to work. I think I would have bonded more quickly and easily with Noah and been
less frazzled with Ben if I’d had more time devoted solely to their care.

Yelled less (of course).
I think most parents can identify with this wish.
Parenting is exhausting and our children can push us to the brink of madness at
times. But we all wish we yelled less. I think I’ve gotten more patient over
the years (thankfully) but I still have moments I’d like to take back.

Lest you think that I only have regrets about
parenting…there are many things that I’m glad that I did. Here are a few:

Devoted family time each night to a good-nite routine. Brian and I decided early on that bedtime was an important time for family bonding. Our evening rituals have changed over the
years but they’ve been a wonderful part of our day as a family. For us this
routine has always included time and discussion one-on-one between each parent
and child and reading together. We continue this tradition today with our big
10- and 12-year old boys!

Valued the written and spoken word. Books have always been an important part of
our parenting lives. From the time they were born, we have read daily with our
children. We’ve also placed value on conversation. When they were little, I
cooed and responded to their every early utterance and sang to them throughout
the day. I continue to engage my tweens in daily conversation. I hope to keep
the lines of communication open as we move into the teen years.

Consistent discipline. Brian and I put a lot of effort into being consistent when our children were young and it has paid off. We tried to reserve “no” for the things that truly had to be denied.
But when we did say “no” we meant it. It’s easy to cave in when you’re tired or busy.
When I’ve been tempted to give in or not follow through, I remind myself that
I’m the parent. It’s my job to be consistent. I make decisions based on what’s
best for my children. Sometimes they don’t agree with me and that’s ok. I’m not
here to win a popularity contest. I’m here to develop these children into their
best potential selves.

Breastfed.
For many new moms, breastfeeding can be a challenge. I was no different. It
hurt, I wasn’t sure he was getting enough and I didn’t enjoy it. Despite these
early challenges, I persevered and I’m glad I did. It did get easier and it
helped me bond with both of my babies. This message isn’t meant to make those
of you who couldn’t do it feel bad. It’s to help those of you who are still
struggling to hang in there. There are many women who look back and regret not
breastfeeding. But it would be difficult to find a mother who regrets
breastfeeding her child.

Followed Brian's lead. By the time I had my first child, I’d already been working
with infants and young children for a decade and had a Masters Degree in Child
Development. In our family, I was the child expert. Despite this, I recognized
early on that Brian had instincts and parenting skills that I could learn from.
I cringed with every fall, bump or bruise. He was much more relaxed. I cradled
and cooed, he wrestled and tickled. I fretted over every little change or
unusual behavior. He said, “Let’s wait and see.” And I’ve picked up on some of
this. I turn the other way when they fly over the ramp on their skateboards and
bikes. I’ve learned to wrestle and roughhouse some and not to sweat the small
stuff.

All parents have feelings of regret from time to time, but
hopefully, we can all look back and see the great things we did as well. What
would you like to do over if given the chance? What parenting moments are you
most proud of?

Register Now for a Great Parenting Event: "Healthy Families in a Hectic World" will take place on Weds, March 21st from 9:30-10:30 am at the Children's Museum of Winston-Salem. Go to www.ImprintsForFamilies.org/speakers to learn more!